Oh woe, how I lament the general public’s utter poor taste. What in Karl’s name are these? Ugg boots were bad enough, that is, the huddled masses shuffling around in soggy slipper-boots day in day out paired withanything and everything from mini-dresses to hotpants, or worse, Canterbury trackies and a Abercrombie & Fitch hoodie. They may look good on celebs, but they’re groomed to within an inch of their life and look hot in anything. And Uggs = anything. While they alright on the sunny streets of LA, in soggy old Britain they look vile. The worst is the cheap versions that people’s feet slip in and they end up walking on the sides of the soles. That they existed at all was a nightmare, that they are still selling by the million in official and unofficial versions, is simply a crime. They’re comfy? Yes, because they’re effing slippers. Get with it people. There can be no excuse.
Then? The keep-fit shoes, as championed by MBTs, Reebok and now Sketchers; trainers with some kind of bizzare mechanism in the 3 inch platform that “tones” your legs as you walk. Sounds great, only, like most quick fixes for fitness, clearly won’t be as good as, say, actually exercising several times a week and eating a healthy diet. Plus, have you seen people walk in these? They look like they’re on the moon. What’s more, like Ugg boots, they are nothing short of hideous. Everyone knows trainers with 3 inch platforms worked once, and that was as part of the Spice Girls’ wardrobes back in the nineties. So unless you’re working Mel C chic, forget it.
Which leads us to the final question of the day: what came first, the chicken or the egg? The big bad fashion brands for thinking people are stupid enough to wear hideous attire, or the masses sheer inability to tell good style from bad? If Uggs and fitness shoes weren’t enough to prove that this conundrum will possibly never be solved, we are served up a combo-attack of the grotesque with these sketchers boots, the love-child of the two most ugliest shoes in the world. The only thing more offensive than the boots themselves is the ridiculous price-tag. I have qualms no longer. With these I hereby form the world’s first real fashion police and will put in stocks anyone ridiculous enough to wear them.